I stumbled upon an article about young founders in Silicon Valley. The article chronicles and profiles teens, most who dropped out of high school, who are living in Silicon Valley working on their startups and pitching them to investors.
In a way, that is my dream. Getting out of a normal life, doing what others are not able to do. Especially to do it at such a young age. Faced with stories like this, I feel like I am incompetent.
The fantasy to be one of those people. The genius, the prodigy. The one who figured out something that is valuable.
I do tie my self-worth to other people’s perceived value of my work. I don’t know if I can change that. It’s certainly unhealthy. I don’t have a work that I keep for myself (like Tim Ferris’s podcast with his parents). Is that a sign of not enjoying my own work?
I don’t even know what is my own definition of success. Is it actually living free, doing whatever the fuck I want because I have all the money in the world? Or is it living free by living in complete honesty, baring all my faults, and not caring (or not having to care) what other people think about me? Or is it getting recognized by a ton of people and getting praised for my work? Is it changing life for the masses? Is it freeing people from their burden?
I don’t know. And honestly, to think about it sucks.
To have a definition of success means to have to stick to it. To not fulfill it means I failed.
And I have way too much hurt from expecting from anyone.
Even from myself.
My ideal situation would be to just hunker down and do whatever I have on my plate. Knowing that whatever the future holds, all that matters is that I do what I can.
And be happy whatever that may come to.
Because whatever it is,
it’s what I deserve anyway.
And to expect anything else is to kill myself.
(You know what? Maybe I just defined success for myself. fml.)